[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
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bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I’ve never been skydiving, but I’ve zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.
Someone needs to tell Madonna you can’t call it “Girls Gone Wild” when you’re a 100.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
“You thinkin what I’m thinkin?”
“That we should dance our way out of this street fight?”
“No time! Break on 8! And a 5 6 7 8.”
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf