As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
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Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
no such thing as a dumb question
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no