How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
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Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
8 year old at the park said I threw like a girl. He found out I kick in the nuts like a girl too.