@ricsem

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

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@JPLFR80

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

@Tmoney68

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

@_little_old_me

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

@desukidesu

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yeah

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

@PandAmonnia

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

@SamGrittner

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

@McGrumpenstein

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

@TheFearBoners

8 year old at the park said I threw like a girl. He found out I kick in the nuts like a girl too.