As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
You Might Also Like
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you