As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
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Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
damn he’s good
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
me irl
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.