I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
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My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
They got Raph!
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*