kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
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Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
This is a bad sign
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Worst perfume name ever.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!