@ozzyunc

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

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@BigBang6000

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

@AnnietheNanny1

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

@GingerHotDish

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

@jctwritesstuff

Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.

@garrettbarry70

Super excited about staying at my daughter’s place so I can eat her cereal and leave the empty box in her cupboard.

@SortaBad

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

@GrowlyGrego

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

@CommonSavant

*First Date*
Her: I kind of like an old-fashioned guy.
Me, trying to impress her: *Dies of dysentery*

@mishakey

I found some dignity. If no one claims it in 24 hours, I’m keeping it.