“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
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Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”