As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
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Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.