@ThePocketJustin

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

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@weinerdog4life

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

@Julian_Epp

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

@dafloydsta

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

@MartaEffing

[sexy time]

Me: Let me be your fantasy.
Him: It’s a Star Wars thing.
Me: Say no more.

*leaves*
*comes back dressed as Yoda*

@Eightinchgoat

Everything I know about picking up women, I learned from Pepé Le Pew.

@Browtweaten

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

@3sunzzz

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

@lecalabara

Home Alone 6: Homeland Security – Everyone in Washington D.C. has gone on vacation and left Kevin in charge!

@DadandBuried

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.