If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
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Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
Me: Let me be your fantasy.
Him: It’s a Star Wars thing.
Me: Say no more.
*comes back dressed as Yoda*
Everything I know about picking up women, I learned from Pepé Le Pew.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Home Alone 6: Homeland Security – Everyone in Washington D.C. has gone on vacation and left Kevin in charge!
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.