How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
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young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Proofread twice, hang posters once
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
bias laundering edition
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.