“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
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The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*