As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

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Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love


My neighbor told me he childproofed his house. And the very next day his wife came home with a newborn.

Worst. Childproofer. Ever.


In Batman Begins, the scene when Bruce Wayne throws the gun into the river, if you listen you can hear someone say “you throw like a girl”.


I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?


Son: How did you get that scar on your brow, dad? Boxing? MMA?

Me: Your mom was putting her purse in the backseat.


[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing


I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.


I’ve never actually finished the song “Rock Your Body” by Justin Timberlake because I’m afraid I’ll be naked by the end.


*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”