@david8hughes

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

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@MariyaAlexander

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love

@rickolantern

My neighbor told me he childproofed his house. And the very next day his wife came home with a newborn.

Worst. Childproofer. Ever.

@Mikecanrant

In Batman Begins, the scene when Bruce Wayne throws the gun into the river, if you listen you can hear someone say “you throw like a girl”.

@cali_cathy

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

@10kbabyspiders

Son: How did you get that scar on your brow, dad? Boxing? MMA?

Me: Your mom was putting her purse in the backseat.

@TweetsByKaylee

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

@thequeensheart

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

@jergarl

I’ve never actually finished the song “Rock Your Body” by Justin Timberlake because I’m afraid I’ll be naked by the end.

@fro_vo

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”