As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

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The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs


I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.


GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word


Horse-drawn carriages are pretty cool but the horses should learn to draw other stuff


I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.


I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”


It’s “hairs” not the collective “hair” now. I have so few I know each individually by name.


Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.