The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
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I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
GOD: you keep saying that word
Horse-drawn carriages are pretty cool but the horses should learn to draw other stuff
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
It’s “hairs” not the collective “hair” now. I have so few I know each individually by name.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.