@david8hughes

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

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@daemonic3

The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs

@AimeeHelene1

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

@PleaseBeGneiss

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

@philyuck

Horse-drawn carriages are pretty cool but the horses should learn to draw other stuff

@The_Mentalyst

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

@caribbeankris

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

@Scott_A_Gilmore

It’s “hairs” not the collective “hair” now. I have so few I know each individually by name.

@Rollinintheseat

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.