As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
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The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
sry
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.