@slimmy_shady

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

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@junejuly12

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

@ClichedOut

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

@ChicksRule

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

@Vanilla_cupcak

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

@AndyAsAdjective

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

@DanielRCarrillo

Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

@usedwigs

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

@ramenfuneral

that awkward moment when you stub your toe and accidentally summon the spirits of a thousand dead feet while you yell and curse

@murrman5

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*