As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
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Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Yoga Matt
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
#winning
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.