[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
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mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Current mood: Potato
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.