As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
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My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
RT if you know someone like this!!!
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD