As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
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broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
A leaf blower, but for people.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach