@o__0Dev

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

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@DanMentos

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

@EdnaSugar

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

@craydrienne

My Mexican waiter put my food down in front of another white lady who looked nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait that’s not my waiter.

@UncleDuke1969

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

@HenpeckedHal

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

@lydiagreer

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

@TheThomason

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

@darksidedeb

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}