As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
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Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name