@o__0Dev

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

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@ahamedweinberg

Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.

@abbycohenwl

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

@coalslag

In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…

@JustBeingEmma

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

@UnFitz

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

@iwearaonesie

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

@LackOfShame

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

@krisv_723

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

@Rachelnoise

Chemistry, ok. But soulmates? You’d think if our spirits were perfectly matched, they’d be comfortable at the same thermostat setting.

@sassy__cat6

My 10yo said when they’re mean to people they miss recess.

A lot of you need to miss recess.