As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

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Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.


Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here


In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…


My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?


At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?


wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*


H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.


*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.


Chemistry, ok. But soulmates? You’d think if our spirits were perfectly matched, they’d be comfortable at the same thermostat setting.


My 10yo said when they’re mean to people they miss recess.

A lot of you need to miss recess.