As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
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[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
marvel comics have peaked
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.