As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
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man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached