As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
You Might Also Like
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Art by Pastelkatto
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
As the Lord intended
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what