@lgbk44

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money

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@GrantTanaka

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

@linkindrinkin

professor x: what is your superpower

me: dinosaur chicken nuggets

professor x: that is not a superpower

me: i thought you said superfood

@juliussharpe

I don’t have a problem with steroids in sports since I think anyone who can give themselves a shot is the bravest person in the world.

@murrman5

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

@ScottLinnen

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

@lisaxy424

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

@Browtweaten

me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂

@stewnami

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?