as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
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Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
O Wise One….
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
when someone rings the doorbell
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.