As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
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Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
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