As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
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There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
kevin is now a local weatherman
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.