As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
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COME ON KRUSE #fencing
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I think I’ll stand
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
We’ve all been there
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.