One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
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Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
iPhone X
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though