On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
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Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science