As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
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I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
road rage
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock