As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

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My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.


Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.


“you yelled ‘this is not my daddy!’ when i picked you up to leave the store. you’re lucky i let you live”

-how dad signs my birthday cards


Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.


GURU: You have achieved the state of sak?d?g?min: you will reach nirv??a within seven lifetimes

ME: [slipping him a $20] How about six


Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.


Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*


Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.


Her: wanna dance?
Me: I’m never gonna dance again
Her: why?
Me: guilty feet have got no rhythm
Her: ?
Me: sorry, I’m old…*Fml*