Dad: Remember when I told you Santa wasnt real
Dad: There’s one more thing
Me: Don’t say it
Me: *sobs uncontrollably
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
You Might Also Like
I’ll have a Venti Vodka please.
i still think this meme was really special
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.