@EverydayGirlDad

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

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@adamrensch

Kuwait a minute. Yemen to tell me if Iraq up this war debt Iran the economy into Syria’s trouble? Oman, can someone tell me if this Israel?

@AndyRichter

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

@pilau

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no

@ParasiteHilton

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

@MarfSalvador

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

@Marlebean

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

@ThaJawn

I want a horse but I’m worried I’ll just pile laundry on it

@StainsQueen

We need some more ugly celebrities. You can’t all be talented AND hot!!!!