@EverydayGirlDad

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

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@theshamingofjay

Dad: Remember when I told you Santa wasnt real
Me: Yea
Dad: There’s one more thing
Me: Don’t say it
Dad: Retirement
Me: *sobs uncontrollably

@robdelaney

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

@chuuew

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

@bitemynoodle

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

@truegritrumble

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

@lisaOoOo

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

@MichaelLarrick

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.