As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

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Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.


As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.


Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”




M: Um, you just spelled “qwerty” as “querty”.
H: So?
M: Look at the keyboard.
H: And?

M: [Breaking fourth wall look to camera]


I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.


Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself