Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
You Might Also Like
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
M: Um, you just spelled “qwerty” as “querty”.
M: Look at the keyboard.
M: [Breaking fourth wall look to camera]
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Women: *plans something*
Their periods showing up the next day:
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself