As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
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No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
how to market bottled water to dads
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.