Asked my son what special dinner he wanted me to make now that he’s home… he asked for a full Thanksgiving dinner, so now a turkey is thawing for his request
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
You Might Also Like
JUDGE: your word is antonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
I have a hummus budget and caviar tastes.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Don’t you hate when somebody gives you the finger in traffic and then you have to follow them home and loosen the lug nuts on their wheels.