as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
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“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.