as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

You Might Also Like


Asked my son what special dinner he wanted me to make now that he’s home… he asked for a full Thanksgiving dinner, so now a turkey is thawing for his request


[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t


Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.


Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.


College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.


My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.


Don’t you hate when somebody gives you the finger in traffic and then you have to follow them home and loosen the lug nuts on their wheels.