as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
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Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.