The three genders
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Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
lmao
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.