Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
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I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I scream. You scream. The police come. It’s awkward.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
[during a plane crash]
Guy sitting next to me: HOLY SHIT WE’RE GOING DOWN
Me: [leaning over] You gonna finish those cashews?
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>