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Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality


I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.


Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.


Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.


doctor: i have bad news

me: uh oh

doctor: u have scoobyditis

me: *whispers* ruh roh


[during a plane crash]

Guy sitting next to me: HOLY SHIT WE’RE GOING DOWN

Me: [leaning over] You gonna finish those cashews?


my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie


<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>