[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
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Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.