As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
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“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
My kitchen overserved me.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.