As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
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My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy