As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
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[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
live, laugh, laundry.