As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
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Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.