As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
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One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Best seat on the street 😍
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?