I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
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Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money’s worth…
16: Why do I have to go to college?
Me: It’s the next big step on your journey.
16: My journey where?
Me: Out of this house.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Commas are the coolest punctuation, because they’re like “Yeah, you haven’t got time to stop, but you can chill for a little bit.”