@hipstermermaid

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

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@JediGigi

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

@ThisOneSayz

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.

@Elizasoul80

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

@Diversion50

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@calluptome

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.