As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
You Might Also Like
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir