Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
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Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
the clam before the storm
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.