As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
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Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it