my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
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I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Chicken bread
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti