as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
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*names my little horse OneTrick*
sleeping beauty
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Okay me first
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌