as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
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When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
we’re dead?
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza