As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
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“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Ion see the issue
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this