As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
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My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?