[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
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[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car